Marty Prehn's Latest Persona Grab Bag

There is a saying in life some people use: Change is Inevitable, especially with our favorite idiot, Marty Prehn. It seems that there is a different Mongoose for any occasion, complete with a themed hat.  

Now if Linda could just get him to change his underwear...

At the latest State of the Mongoose address to Monday's Saint Clair Shores City Council, the newest incarnation of Marty was unveiled. As is his pattern, Marty changes every time the season does. He became an "Advocate for the Public" with his vast knowledge of deed restrictions this past summer. He claimed to be leading the fight in the great Berkley parking crusade, all while serving as a Guardian Angel for a man who didn't know or want to have anything to do with Marty. Now that the leaves and temperatures are falling, it was time for a new version of Marty to magically appear where he's neither invited or welcome.

As Marty addressed the council this week, complete with props, a new kinder, gentler Mongoose was introduced. There were no attacks, code enforcement claims, not even a mention of cyber stalkers. This is a drastic change from what we usually get from Marty. I can't help but accredit this new tactic to Linda. After Robin approached Linda about Marty's claims that included her, Linda became so scared it made her physically sick. This, from a woman who shares her bathroom with Marty, so you know she was pretty nauseous. I'm of the opinion that Marty's meal ticket laid down the law and told Marty to quit attacking people because it was now affecting her. There has also been a new effort by Marty to give the appearance that he no longer lives at Linda's. He even claimed at the council meeting that he now lives in Eastpointe. Sorry Marty and Linda, you're not fooling anyone with that. After waddling up to the microphone, does it surprise anyone here that the first words out of his mouth is a complete lie?

As luck would have it, there was another suicide walk scheduled for the weekend following the great event weekend he had planned but didn't bother to show up for. This gave Marty the chance to become a full fledged National Suicide Prevention Advocate. He just continued on with his OPA fundraising and a new national goal of raising a million dollars. This would allow Marty to expand out of Macomb, a county that has grown quite tired of his craziness, with his new persona. We all know Marty is a master at coming up with catchy names for all of his events and his own superhero greatness. Now that Elder Dawg and Elder Avenger don't apply to his newest crusade, we're left to speculate as to what his latest moniker will be. Here are a few possibilities complete, with what their "good work superpower" will be:

Suicide Avenger©:
This superhero will be on constant lookout for suicide victims to exploit. He'll scan all the local newspapers looking for recent suicides so he can can start trying to contact the survivors with his offers to aid them. When he is shunned and unable to exploit anyone, his superpower will take over. He'll research police and autopsy reports looking for details he can use to inflict added pain on the victims for his revenge.

Depression Dawg©:
A distant cousin to McGruff and the younger litter mate of Elder Dawg, this canine will battle depression. A tail wagging dog that's excited to see you will cheer up almost anyone and Depression Dawg will serve basically the same purpose. He'll promise depressed people, especially single women, luxury box tickets to sporting events, flower delivery, and other gimmicks to lift their spirits. He will write songs in their honor and make arraignments for them to meet Dr Phil for counseling sessions. Depression Dawg's superpower will be begging for food and leaving piles of crap everywhere. Marty has been honing those skills for years now. With great power comes great responsibility, you know...

Bully Buster©:
Bully Buster will lead the fight against bullying by forming state and national task forces with every elected official, dead or alive, he can remember. He'll direct new legislation to make bullying a federal offense with a 20 year prison sentence. Buster's superpower will be attacking the teenage female children of anyone he doesn't like, thus educating them as to how to spot that little bitch who spread lies about you after math class. "What a bitch, I'm sure..."

Out of the Dark Knight©:
Marty pointed out the number of overdoses while talking about suicide. This can only mean that he feels those overdoses were depression related and a form of suicide. This superhero will seek out the families of overdose victims to comfort and convince them that the overdose wasn't the result of drug addiction, but in reality a suicide - or perhaps murder (another hero we'll discuss in a later article). The Knight's superpower will be investigating the drug dealer who caused the suicide by going undercover and simply keeping an eye on his son for once. After confirming that Jr wasn't the dealer, the Knight will be the driving force that gets the supplier prosecuted for murder and sentenced to 20 years in a federal penitentiary, likely under the Homeland Security Act that Marty co wrote.

Whatever iteration of a lying, scamming free loader this new superhero will be, underneath the cape we'll still find a moronic and extremely immature man-child who just can't get anyone to notice his greatness.