So I'm sitting at the kitchen table the other night, worried about my ongoing employment as Editor of The Chronicles of Marty. How could a blog like this compete with another event put on by the likes of one organized by MVP Productions? You know, that powerhouse non-profit corporation comprised of Denny McLain, Jamie Victory and the Mongoose himself?
As I poured another glass of bourbon, I contemplated hanging it up and trying to get my previous job of sorting meal worms at the pet store back, but then I thought "Hey, Tuttle. You're better than that. Let's at least go out with a bang and hold our own event and try to put MVP out of business!"
Now based on our increased page views since our great event/lunchbox announcement, I can only assume everyone is waiting with much anticipation for us to reveal the details of the historic CoMmie weekend we are planning. Well great news, CoMmies, your wait is over! Today we'll announce the kickoff first event of our Marty-themed weekend extravaganza. This weekend will be so spectacular, the word historic might not be an adequate description!
Our first event will be a combination of not only a shoutout to the person who originally brought us all together but also a type of event Marty just loves. I am proud to announce the first event of the Marty weekend will be Campout with Cookout! That's right, Marty lovers, the creator of this blog, Robert Cookout III (aka RC3) will be hosting this monumental event. Who better to start this weekend than the person whose drunken genius conceived our coverage of the world's biggest lying idiot?
Marty originally announced his great Dan Haggerty weekend would begin with a Hawaiian style luau at a local hotel where all the celebrities were staying. After his now famous Easter dinner with a couple of dead guys at an outdoor themed restaurant, Marty changed his first event into a celebrity roast of the dead and buried Griz. It seemed a little tasteless of Marty to hold an event where everyone sits around and makes fun of a dead guy but, you know if Elder Dawg is planning it, it'll be high-class all the way.
Anyway, after Marty's vivid description of following bear tracks through the woods while being drawn to a secluded location for his seance dinner, Cookout decided what better event would go well with that setting than a campout. The Campout with Cookout will be held right outside of the location of Marty's famous dinner with dead guys and soon to be held Dan Haggerty Celebrity Roast - Gilbert's Lodge on Harper in St Clair Shores!
As you can see in the above satellite image of Gilbert's location, it's amazing Marty was able to find the bear tracks to follow to get there. With all of that concrete it must have been an incredibly large bear to leave tracks. Or perhaps its feet were just filthy from riding shotgun in the Mongoosemobile. There also seems to be a noticeable absence of any type of wooded area. What was Marty wandering through to get to this "secluded location"? Maybe I just can't see the trees for the forest, as Marty's once upon a time hero likes to say. Or was Marty's vivid description the result of a hallucination brought on from him making the walk from the parking lot to the door? Not unlike his recent attempt to walk a few blocks while participating in a protest march and needing a ride after about 25 yards. Skip a meal or three, fatass.
But back to the Campout. There were several Campout activities that were mentioned in planning this event. As Cookout began to plan the various fun stuff, there seemed to be complications involved with each. He considered a celebrity roast of Marty, who was still alive as of this writing. After contacting all of Marty's celebrity friends and hearing "Who?" so much you would think he was already in the forest restaurant surrounded by owls, that idea was scrapped. The only people we could find that were willing to roast Marty were John DiNardo, Dave Wilson, Catherine Falk, and Erica Hamel. After we informed them we meant tell jokes about him and not actually light him on fire, they didn't want to waste their breath.
There were other problems that came up while trying to plan our big campout. We originally were planning on everyone bringing their own tent in order to fully enjoy the entire camping experience. Unfortunately, after surveying the area, we became concerned if we started setting up tents and mentioning Marty, we could be mistaken for a newly formed homeless camp and be asked to leave by Marty's good friends at the Eastpointe Police Department (yes, he crashes their council meetings, too). S'mores over the campfire also had to be cancelled because the Fire Marshall said there was a city ordinance against open flames within the city limits and we all know how Marty just loves to run down to city hall and report those code violations and such. I guess that's what happens when your location "in the wilderness" is on a major thoroughfare.
We had also planned to do a little "star gazing" as the numerous "left coast Hollywood stars and Nashville legends" came and went from Marty's big event, but you know why that's not going to happen, either.
After these problems were discovered, Cookout came up with a great solution. Our Campout with Cookout will now be held in the Trophy Room at Gilbert's Lodge. I'm as surprised as you are that nobody had secured this spot for any gatherings on Thursday June 16th. A small $100 deposit was all it took to reserve our spot. Now that we have secured this location we'll be free to enjoy the activities we settled on. We plan to have Sean "Flem Ling" Fleming of the Sean Fleming Show give a lecture on how to GoPro the biggest fail in Mongoose history, all while wearing an ankle monitor and dodging all the various law enforcement agencies that are assigned to arrest anyone Marty doesn't like. Cookout will be hosting a screening of the now famous TeamX video featuring none other than our guest of honor, Martin E Prehn. This will be the first screening of this video since its name was changed to "Justice 4 Jean is Coming". Funny how just a little name change can make a video appear first when certain google searches are done. Robin and Guy have agreed to regale us with stories of the various items that were found while shoveling out Elder Dawg's abandoned rented room. I've been led to believe that Marty should refer to it as "sexual property" instead of intellectual.
Cookout also assures me he has a couple of "mystery celebrity guest" lined up to make appearances as well. Apparently, he believes all it will take to get them to attend is playing the simple children's game Red Rover. Always seems to work for Marty so, why not?
The ending of our Campout should really be spectacular. We will be using a Ouija Board to get the best "lifelong good friend" stories from all of the dead celebrities Marty knows. Maybe the Artist Formerly Known as Alive, Prince, can sing! And Doris Roberts can do whatever the hell she did when she was still breathing.
As you can see, The Campout with Cookout is a can't miss event for anyone who follows the antics of Marty the Moronic Mongoose. Seating is limited to the first 60 people to sign up so don't wait to place your reservation. Fortunately, dead celebrities will not count against that number so, the overwhelming popularity among Marty's great friends shouldn't cause any problems.
And all of Marty's friends, both living and dead, get to eat for free!
That means Bob gets to drink my entire deposit.
That means Bob gets to drink my entire deposit.
