Fraser Prepares for a Mongoose Infestation!

A hearty CoM welcome to all of our new readers!

As the foremost authority on all things Marty,  it's somewhat humbling to see so many people taking an interest in this blundering idiot.  I'm willing to bet that you've never encountered another rodent anywhere near as moronic or nasty as this one. Today I'll do my best to point out the known tactics of this nuisance and how to best rid yourself of a Mongoose Infestation. Trust me, you don't want one in your town. Kinda like pubic lice, but without the glitz and glamour!  

And you people thought that the sinkhole was the worst that could happen. Tsk tsk...

I've seen many residents of Fraser asking how they were unfortunate enough to suffer a Mongoose infestation. There's a simple explanation for the arrival of this disgusting and odoriferous vermin. It's naturally drawn to television news crews or reporters. I'm sure everyone noticed Marty standing in the background while people were being interviewed for the local nightly news. That's the burning instinct of the Mongoose. Make sure you're in camera view at all cost! The lure of the news crew is so strong on the Mongoose, he once chased a news van all over Metro Detroit after a storm so he could be interviewed as a storm damage expert, calling every station to try to give an on-air report! No one answered and he went back home to his hotplate and Dinty Moore. Hell, that's how this asshole found you in the first place. Having no family or friends to celebrate Christmas Eve with, the loser went sewer hopping in hopes of being on the news! 

There are several sure signs your town has become a nesting area for the Mongoose. Speaking in front of your city council talking more about his own delusions of self importance than the issue he's supposedly interested in. Hanging around as close to news crews as possible. Spewing baseless crap about people involved in the issue that brought the media there in the first place. Claiming he's an expert on the subject even though it's obvious he's absolutely clueless on the subject. Dropping as many names of elected official and celebrities as possible while claiming to be "good friends" with them. And most importantly, taking credit for things he had absolutely nothing to do with. Here's a recent example:

Once you realize your city hall has been infested by this vile creature,

 the most important rule to remember is this: Never, under any circumstance, do you feed the Mongoose. I promise you, not only will he bite the hand that fed him, he'll include their children, distant relatives, friends, and employers.

I'm sure by now you're thinking: "Oh No! We're infested, now what do we do?" Fear not, my new friends in Fraser, hope is not lost. Even though your embattled mayor is providing plenty of food for this rodent, he can still be stamped out. Just like a cockroach in your kitchen, the Mongoose will flee when you turn the light on and expose him. And with Marty, there is plenty to expose. The truth about him is the brightest light of all. Marty has told so many lies that he can't possibly back up, picking them apart is child's play.

As an experience Mongoose Elimination Expert, I'll try to arm you with the tactics needed to run this rodent off. You must shine the light on  him at the place he's most strongly drawn to, televised city council meetings. Marty can't resist the urge to speak in front of cameras so this is where he's most vulnerable. You have to use stealth when getting ready to expose him. Marty will attempt to wait until he's going to be the last speaker so no one can follow him and point out his idiocy. So, be patient! Don't get in position to speak until after Marty has committed himself and gone to the podium before you. If he doesn't know who else might be speaking, he also can't make a preemptive strike before they get the chance.

Arm yourselves with the truth about this rodent. If he claims to be an elder advocate, point out his treatment of his mother. Also a good time to mention Florence Iverson - trust me. If he claims Reagan had the Berlin Wall torn down as a favor to Marty for his father, point out no U.S. official would go out of their way to appease a former Nazi soldier. If he calls for a "forensic audit", ask why when the probate court that was handling his mother's case asked him for financial records of where his parent's money went, he took a contempt of court charge instead of complying. 

When he claims to be an experienced, but non-specific 

"Special Agent" of some sort with a yet to be named three letter agency, ask him where he bought that ratty hat. "Good friends" with government officials? Ask what proof he has other than campaign rally photo bomb pictures posted on Facebook. Maybe ask Carey "Hot N Ready" Torrice about Marty claiming that "being her bodyguard was the best job he ever had", with the requisite sexual innuendo. Ask other city councils and mayors about the times he infested their city hall. Ask all of his "media friends" if he's the reason they are covering the news in your town. Better yet, ask Peter Lucido if Marty is helping him draft legislation in Michigan and why he allows Marty to post his crap on his Facebook page.

In order to save enough bandwidth for comments, I'll wrap this report up. In short, my Fraser friends, be aware of the Mongoose but don't be afraid. Marty can be very ferocious and there is no depth he won't sink to, as he knows no shame. But there is no need to fear him. His below average intelligence, along with his constant grandiose delusions about himself, makes it easy to expose him as the worthless, powerless loser he really is. Educate yourselves and you'll have no problems pointing out what a lying ass he really is. Actually, most of the time, he points it out himself. Read just about any random page of this blog - it's Mongoose Kryptonite!

"Now the healing needs to begin."

God speed.

Tuttle

PS: Be sure to stop by the CoM booth at this weekend's fair and browse our gift shop, featuring CoM T-shirts and Mongoose Signature Collection© Lunchboxes!