"It's a Pitiful Life", starring Marty Prehn

Season's Greetings to all of the loyal readers of the Internet's leading information source about the biggest piece of crap mankind has ever defecated.

As we all enjoy family and friends this holiday season, I can't help but think about Marty and the various people who have been infected by the disease we call Mongoosarrhea©. Speaking of family, I'm reminded of this famous load of Marty crap:

"I don't know if you remember the Guardian Angel from the movie IT'S A WONDERFUL LIFE but that was my great grandfather Clarence. I am known as the ELDER AVENGER and also known as Super HERO Marty the MONGOOSE. Yeah you better believe it that we are family kiddo."

...which got me to thinking of how much better everyone would be had Marty never been born? What would their lives be like without this boil on the ass of society bringing them down?

Mr and Mrs Gerhard Prehn; After amassing a vast fortune, because Marty wasn't there to spend it on fast food, Gerhard returns to his homeland and becomes the first Chancellor of a newly reunified Germany. He and Bernice live happily into their nineties as the Prehn name is celebrated world wide. Volkswagen Motors is headquartered on Cubberness Drive in Saint Clair Shores, Michigan

Guy and Robin; After growing their family collision shop into a successful national chain, and after acquiring Service King, they turn the business over to their kids while they retire to their vineyard in the Italian countryside. Exclusively buys parts at Fergan's Carquest and its owner/swimsuit model, Linda Bowery.

Bill Windsor; "Willy" would currently be in the final year of his fourth term as President,  after having congress repel presidential term limits. He would be preparing to begin his stint as a Supreme Court Justice when his current term expired, passing the baton to Vice President Sean Boushie.

Marty Jr;  After graduating with honors from MIT at the age of fourteen, Jr takes a break from the professional Chess Master's circuit to help out at the local methadone clinic. He and his wife, Mimi, are often seen at the symphony with their best friends, Ron and Lisa Illitch.

Sean Fleming; After achieving super stardom playing the bass in his band, "FlemShady and the Snaps", Sean is selected to be the next host of "The Daily Show". On the show, he speaks into a golden microphone while his faithful companion, Ginger, wears a Special Agent hat.

Malik Shabazz; The current Mayor of Detroit, Malik is bringing unity to the community and has opened Manoogian Mansion to the homeless.

Pastor Terry Jones; Hosting a successful televangelist show on Al Jazeera, Terry currently uses all of the money his ministry raises to support orphanages in Syria and Iran. Satellite offices in Dearborn, Michigan.

Denny McLain; Comerica Park is renamed McLain Stadium with an enormous bronze statue of Denny and his uninjured foot adorning the entrance. Frequently hosts "Unity Day" with Mayor Shabazz.

Marti Oakley; "The Truth Squad" overtakes Rush Limbaugh as the most popular talk radio show in the country and is in translated syndication worldwide.

Ronnie LaForest; Elected Governor of Michigan. Statewide ban on vintage car cruises.

Robin Williams; Breathing, along with his friend Terri Shiavo.

Paula Deen; Still hosting her popular cooking show, sits on the board of directors of the NAACP.

Ellen DeGeneres; Happily married to her husband, Dan Haggerty.

Florence Iverson; Still dumber than dirt, Flo donates her monthly pension and social security money to Pastor Jones.

So you see, Marty, you really have made an impact on everyone. Forget all that "birth of Jesus" stuff, the planet should rejoice every May 20th!