Menopausal Marty

"Just when you think every respectable public restroom has been alerted to the fat guy with grey hair, mustache and glasses..."

Welcome back readers! It's time again for an update on the Moronic Mongoose, aka Marty Prehn. There have been some exciting new developments in the real life of Marty that need to be chronicled.

We all know that Marty's Facebook life changes by the hour, based on who he's trying to impress, but his real life usually remains unremarkable and unchanged. It's not often that there is something genuine to report about Marty, so this is new to all of us.

It was previously reported here that RC3 had returned to the Detroit area and was starting a new undercover assignment. This article is based on his preliminary findings. Mr Cookout would ordinarily write his own stories, but he sent me this information with a note saying: "Write this up for me, I'm working against a deadline". Looking online at the recent corporate credit card transactions, that deadline apparently was the start of Happy Hour at a Detroit tit bar. Regardless, I'll do my best to cypher through his scribble.

It has now been confirmed that the "change of life" has occurred with Marty. The Mongoosemobile had recently been seen at Jr's drug den on a regular basis and we here at CoM were very curious as to why. Cookout has now discovered the real reason - Linda finally woke up and dumped that loser. As with all of the celebrity break-ups this summer, it's not surprising Detroit's premiere power couple is history. I imagine Linda got tired of cleaning up the steaming piles of crap that Elder D.A.W.G. tends to drop everywhere he goes. It had to have been hard on Linda to hear the constant complaints around town and from customers about her beloved idiot. I guess it finally reached the point that she could no longer stomach the hassle and smell that follows Marty everywhere he goes. Either that or Marty pissed in one too many potted plants around the apartment - sewing boxes are so yesterday.

Now that Linda ate the biscuit wheels off of Marty's gravy train, big changes were sure to follow. Sleeping on the living room floor in Jr's Section 8 rental dump is a far cry from the good life Marty had with Linda. This change in lifestyle would call for drastic measures from the Special Agent. A couple of days ago, we saw the first of these attempts.

Brace yourselves, CoMmies, it's time for a Mongoose Makeover!

Unretouched Actual Photo.

Believe it or not, the bloated man with the washed out face pictured above is none other than Martin E. Prehn. When I first received the screenshot from RC3, I just assumed Marty had found a new man crush. After Cookout sent the text that followed the photo, it became clear that Marty had posted a picture of the greatest love he's ever known - Himself! Here is the brief comment exchange between CashFlo and Marty:

"Florence Iverson
Marty? What happened to the widows peak? zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzA look alike?
Like · 1 · More · Yesterday at 8:09pm
Marty Prehn
Florence I got divorced twice. Neither one of my wives died or were killed so that is the reason for no widows or widowers peaks. 85 lbs down and another 80-100 lbs to go. Hopefully by the New Year and for my 60th birthday party in May 2016"

Let me first say this about Marty. How many times have we seen Marty comment about some huge weight loss? He's lost over 70 pounds so many times, he should defy gravity by now! Based on my observations of this picture, I can easily see where Marty's "lost" 85 pounds are. Look at his arm in that picture. That thing must weigh 100 pounds itself. I'm not even going to speculate as to how much the man boobs he has laying on the table in front of him must weigh. It's time for the Mongoose to once again start calling for his Weight Watchers celebrity endorsement deal.

I will admit, Marty does appear to look somewhat thinner in the face. I can't tell if this is an illusion caused by his face being clean shaven, the lack of glasses or the new hair color.  It could also be actual weight loss caused be the removal of his access to Linda's Twinkie and Ding Dong supply. I'd bet there isn't a lot of extra food getting brought into Jr's by the constant parade of junkies coming and going. Munchies alone probably exhaust the food supply. The hair color is another thing I'm curious about. Did Marty discover "Just for Men" or did he find some old shoe polish to rub on his head? For that matter, I'm not sure if he's used a hair darkener or perhaps a face whitener. If only he'd have taken a selfie at the end of the night, we could have seen if his profuse sweating had made the color start running down his face.

I'm sure some readers here are wondering why Marty would decide to change his looks so drastically. Was SAM starting a new undercover operation for one of the many three letter agencies he claims to work for? Is Marty tired of everyone in the suburbs of Detroit recognizing the village idiot as he arrives? Did Marty see the picture posted on the previous article on this blog depicting what he looks like in his fantasy Facebook life and decide he needed to look more like that? I'm going to speculate that none of these are the real reason for the Mongoose Makeover. I think Marty desperately needs to find a new sucker to replace Linda. His time at Jr's is running out, not to mention he must be really hungry. Marty needed a new look because he needs a new place to flop rent free. That wasn't going to happen looking the way he did. Women could spot the loser he is from a mile away. Nice try, Marty. They still can.

One other aspect of the breakup between Marty and Linda I'm left to wonder about is this: What effect is this going to have on Marty's employment with Daddy Fergan's company? Is Marty now on borrowed time at Carquest? He would have been fired long ago without Linda protecting him. Now that it's over between them, how long until Marty gets fired? His 10 hours per week seem to have already been cut, based on his visits to this blog and his all day long posting on Facebook. It's very possible he's already unemployed again.

I'll close this report with a few questions. Has Marty already targeted his next sucker (Cristal) to mooch off of? Has Marty been or soon to be fired as the top delivery boy at Carquest? Can Marty afford to hit the thrift shop for some new clothes to complete his makeover from homeless chic to inner city idiot? And my biggest question of all: What will happen when Marty squeezes that Walmart Special Agent hat on his newly dyed sweaty head?

When that hat turns brown, Marty will look like the true shithead we know him to be.